


In The Night

by ithinkyourewonderful



Series: Home With You [3]
Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithinkyourewonderful/pseuds/ithinkyourewonderful
Summary: “Mildred,” Gwen begins, slipping in past the heavy doors, “Is everything alri-” There’s a loud thud as Mildred drops the purchases to the floor and takes Gwen’s face in her hands and kisses her firmly, as if willing her to know how much she loves her, demanding her to live and be healed. Both their hearts race at the thrill at the terror of getting caught, however neither pull away until they’re lightheaded and dizzy from sharing the same breath between them.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Series: Home With You [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016083
Comments: 30
Kudos: 214





	In The Night

**Author's Note:**

> **a:** Set between Episode 1.07 and that opening scene in 1.08… The timing of starting chemotherapy is ruining my whole set up, so let’s just squint our eyes and pretend it all works out.  
>  **b:** A loose sequel to Something Sweet, no need to read it (but I mean, you absolutely can if you want to :) but has a few minor callbacks to that.  
>  **c:** Weirdly, the topic of marriage came up when I didn’t want it to (they’re literally on like, their fourth date or something) but it seemed that Gwen really wanted to bring it up so… ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Lesbians are gonna lesbian, I suppose.

  


* * *

  
“Go on ahead, I’ll meet you in a moment.” Mildred instructs, pulling up short in front of the store on Santa Clara.  
“Are you sure?” Gwen asks, looking from Mildred to the window, and back to Mildred.  
“Yes, I forgot I need to pick up some more pantyhose. You go on. Or better yet, how about I meet you at the bookstore?”  
“You’re up to something but I can’t quite tell what.”  
“It’s just some pantyhose Gwen…Unless you want me wearing through yours as well?”  
“What’s mine is yours dear,” Gwendolyn murmurs softly so none of the others strolling on the street could hear.  
“I won’t be a minute.” Mildred quickly gives her lover’s arm a squeeze before entering the shop.

The cool, quiet atmosphere calms her almost instantly, it’s such a change from the bright sunshine and heat outside. Lucia was small, and everyone may be involved in everyone’s business, but oddly, it felt much safer, much more familiar than San Jose, where Gwen’s specialist was located. While they were much more anonymous here, Mildred couldn’t help but feel a little more exposed, a little more vulnerable. There were advantages though. They would often schedule an afternoon appointment and make a day of it, driving up early enough to catch a matinee at the movie theatre where they would hold hands in the dark (Mildred still can’t help but blush at the thought of that one matinee of June Bride, where Gwen’s hand found its way onto her knee. And then higher. And higher. By the time Bette Davis realises that Robert Montgomery loved her after all, she had bitten her lip raw and her palm had four neat and tidy half-moons from where her nails had dug into the tender flesh). Then they would wander the bookshop where Gwen would pick up a few more books for her ever growing collection while Mildred found herself browsing the magazines and newspapers from New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston - though she’s never sure if she’s hoping to find something or nothing. 

She looks behind her to make certain Gwen has left before she makes her way towards the back of the store. She’s not sure what she’s looking for, but she knows it should be lovely, special. Something just for - “Can I help you Miss?” The shop clerk asks from off to her right.  
“Mmmm. Maybe.” Mildred begins, her hand still flicking through the hangers, “I’m looking for something for my honeymoon.” She lies smoothly.  
“Congratulations. Oh my, what a lucky man.” Mildred’s eyes can’t help but flick up for a brief half-second, curious. After Gwen, she had wondered how many more were like her, like the two of them. The woman is in her mid 50s, her wedding ring visible, but that didn’t mean anything - if pressed, she says she reminds her of Betsy. “Thank you,” She blushes. “I only have a few minutes - but do you have anything that may be…appropriate?”  
“Yes, this way please.” 

The clerk shows her a few things, none of which are right. And then they reach the final option, and Mildred’s heart races at the thought of Gwen seeing her in it. The thought of being able to wear something beautiful and new excites her. It will be untouched by anyone else, and unmarred by ugly, harsh memories. “I’ll take it.”  
“Did you want to try it on first?”  
“There’s not much to try on, is there?” She remarks, toying with the lace hem.  
“Fair enough,” The clerk agrees, carrying the slip with her to the registers, “Where are you two going for your honeymoon?” She asks, as she rings up the purchase, and then wraps it in folds and folds of delicate tissue. “Mexico.” Mildred answers, handing over a few bills.  
“How exciting. My sister-in-law and I went one year before the war, it was so pretty - beaches like I’d never seen before. And the food! Well,” She hands the box over to Mildred, “Congratulations to you both again.”

Mildred hurries out of the shop and finds Gwen wandering the shelves of the bookstore, a few items already picked out and nestled in her arm. “I see you found a way to keep yourself busy?” Mildred greets her with a near whisper, the bookstore too much like a library for her liking. “It’s not like I have anything else to do with my time now,” Gwen murmurs, still lost in the titles on the shelf,  
“I’m not sure how I feel about _that_ statement, dear. I’m sure I could find other ways to occupy your time, if pressed.”  
“Mmmm? Oh.” Gwen smiles to herself as she sneaks a look at Mildred. “An awfully big box for just pantyhose, was it?”  
“I bought a lot of them.”  
“You used to be a better liar.” Gwen confirms, slipping one more book into her arms.  
“It’s entirely your fault,” Mildred all but sulks, “It’s almost impossible to do it to you now.”  
“Is there a reason for that?” Gwen asks, as she places the books on the counter and waits for the clerk to ring them through and bundle them together. Mildred doesn’t answer, the answer sitting at the tip of her tongue, but unable to speak it in public, rather she takes the books from Gwen and carries them out for her. 

They make their way to the medical building a few doors down, their conversation forced and overly cheerful on both of their parts - both nervous at what lies with the Doctor in his office. “Let’s take the stairs?” Mildred says lightly, eyeing the number of people waiting by the elevator.  
“Are you sure, it’ll be here in a moment?”  
“Yes, it’ll be good for us, come on.” 

She leads the way to the stairwell, knowing the other woman will soon be behind her. “Mildred,” Gwen begins, slipping in past the heavy doors, “Is everything alri-” There’s a loud thud as Mildred drops the purchases to the floor and takes Gwen’s face in her hands and kisses her firmly, as if willing her to know how much she loves her, demanding her to live and be healed. Both their hearts race at the thrill at the terror of getting caught, however neither pull away until they’re lightheaded and dizzy from sharing the same breath between them. “Well,” Gwen sighs, grinning as she drags her thumb beneath Mildred’s lip, trying to clean off her smeared lipstick, “Not that I mind, but what was that for?”  
“I’ve wanted to do that since we got into the car.” Mildred admits matter of factly, before pulling her compact from her purse and handing it to the other woman. “It took everything I had not to do it in the bookstore.”  
“Bookstore, hunh?”  
“Yes, now,” Mildred bends over to retrieve their purchases, “We should head up for your appointment.”  
“Mildred, whatever happens,” Gwen begins - she’s at a loss for words but it doesn’t stop her from trying, her mouth open, but silent.  
“Me too.” Mildred nods slightly, unable to get her words out ether. She uses her free hand to squeeze one of Gwen’s. Above them, a door opens and shuts, and they can hear footsteps and gossip. Mildred drops her lover’s hand. “Let’s go.”  


* * *

  
The car ride is silent, the air heavy despite the fresh ocean winds coming in from the windows as they drive down Route One. Mildred drives, more recklessly than she normally would, eager to get the other woman home. She wishes she could at least hold her hand or something, but the hairpin turns and the cliffs are so severe she has to focus and drive with two hands. Gwen has been quiet, with none of her gentle teasing about how Mildred drives. Her head is turned away, towards the cloudy blue Pacific. 

She doesn’t think she can handle another 90 minutes of this.

“Do you trust me?” Mildred asks, never tearing her eyes from the winding road.  
“What?” Gwen is startled by the question, the lack of context.  
“Do you trust me?”  
“Yes, of course.” 

Mildred doesn’t respond, but she can feel something bloom deep within her chest at the thought. She has given the other woman too many reasons not to trust her, but she does, she loves her and she trusts her, and this is not something Mildred will squander or ruin. She keeps driving, her eye peeled for the exit sign, and wordlessly she takes it. She only has a slight idea of what she’s doing, going mostly off adrenaline and nerve. The car enters the forested road and she drives slowly, trying to find just the right… There it is… She pulls off the road and takes a sharp right, their car now hidden by the trees and the massive boulders lining the road. “Mildred?” Gwen asks, looking around confused. “Is everything alright?” Mildred takes a breath, watching the other woman, the ocean air has made her cheeks ruddy and ruffled her hair and she can’t help but reach her hand out to her face, where she’s not surprised to find her cheek wet. “Don’t Mildred,” Gwen begins, pulling her head back, “Don’t. I don’t think I can handle it.”  
“Handle what?”  
“Pity, or whatever this is.” She spits out the words but they lack bitterness or conviction.  
“It’s not pity, Gwen. You should know better.” She smiles softly and her eyes grow darker as she begins to trail her right hand down the woman’s neck, her collarbone, and rests upon her breast for a moment before moving back up the path. “It’s love.”  
“I just…”  
“You just?” Mildred asks, her fingers deftly undoing a few buttons on the other woman’s blouse so her fingertips can reach the pale skin beneath it. “Want me to stop?” Her hand slips between the silk bra and soft skin, but she waits for an answer. The breathy “No,” from Gwen is all she needs before she roughly cups her lover’s breast and begins to work it beneath her hand. “Mildred, what are you…?”  
“Just enjoy yourself, because I am.” She shifts over closer and bows her head to the crook between Gwen’s shoulder and neck where she begins to pepper it with a tender course of kisses, her teeth occasionally nipping at skin and sinew to illicit a hiss of pleasurable pain from the other woman. She found that so interesting about Gwen - her partner was always so gentle, so soft with her, but always needed something a little harder, a little rougher, as if to ground her to the moment and the act their shared. Mildred was more than happy to accommodate, she would walk on broken glass if that’s what it took to make Gwen happy, to protect her, to love her. “This changes nothing, my love,” Mildred whispers, watching the woman shudder under her touch.  
“This changes everything.”  
“This. Changes. **Nothing**.” She repeats, her hand and her lips punctuating every word. “You are mine, Gwen and I will move heaven and earth to keep you here with me. Do you understand?” She pulls her head back to see Gwen nod. “I said, do you understand?”  
“Yes.” Gwen answers, her eyes closed, head back, lost in the sensation of Mildred’s touch.  
“Good.” She answers, pleased with the other woman, “Now, as much as I love you in these pants,” She begins, moving her free hand to the belt buckle, “It’s seriously impeding my efforts.”  
“Your efforts to what?”  
“You’re a smart woman Gwendolyn Briggs, you tell me?”  
“Can I help you?”  
“I think I can manage, I’m a very capable woman,” She grins as she manages to undo the buckle, and then button.  
“It’s one of the things I like best about you.” Gwen teases, eyes still closed, allowing herself to experience every moment of this.  
“Like?”  
“Love.” She corrects herself, breathing deeply, trying to hold herself together.  
“That’s better.” Mildred smiles, the tip of her tongue just barely peeking out between her teeth, and then she plunges her fingers into the waiting wetness. Their eyes lock, and they watch each other as they each move in their own manner - Gwen’s hips bucking, her lips parted, her lungs fighting for breath; Mildred’s mouth twisted into a proud smile as she watches Gwen writhe around her hand. “How long have you been waiting?” Mildred murmurs, wrapping her free arm around the other woman’s shoulder, bringing her as close to her as the car allows them. “Since the stairwell,” Gwen admits between breaths, “It took everything I had not to drag you into the washroom.”  
“Oh.” The thought alone of being ravaged, or ravishing in a semi-public area doesn’t horrify her as she knows it should. “Well next time, don’t keep your good ideas to yourself,” She replies.  
“Don’t tease me, Mildred,”  
“Who’s teasing? Aren’t I being absolutely accommodating? Lending a hand wherever and however I can?”  
“Are you making a joke while you’re wrist deep in me?”  
“I’m not wrist deep, but I can be if you’d like?” She offers sweetly, before sliding in another finger. “Now that I have you where I want you, I want you to pay attention, can you do that for me Gwen?” The other woman whimpers as she moves against her companion’s hand, “Good. It took me a lifetime to find you Gwendolyn, I will not lose you. Not now, not ever. Do you understand me?”  
“I’m so close Mildred, I am…” Her words no longer make sense, she’s on the edge and her mind is blacking out…  
“Where are you?” Mildred asks, dropping slight kisses from her ear along her jaw. Mildred feels her fingers crushed deep within Gwen and it’s as if she herself has been released, however temporarily from this body, this person into this otherworldly being that somehow only Gwen can see, Gwen can unlock. This person who can make grown women shudder and shake with four fingers and and a well timed kiss. “Here with you.”  
“That’s right, here with me.” Mildred confirms before her lips reach the other woman’s and that’s all it takes to drive her over the edge, Mildred’s kiss, Mildred’s teeth tugging on her lower lip, Mildred pressing her body against hers until Gwen’s hands grab and paw at any part of her lover she can reach, that she can use to cling onto, a life raft in this sea of sensation.

And then it’s over.

The roar in Gwen’s ears dies down enough so that she can hear herself breathing heavily. Panting. She would be embarrassed at this display if it wasn’t Mildred, if she wasn’t so lost in the other woman that she no longer had shame, that she would do anything the other woman asked and demanded of her. She blinks once, twice, her eyes searching to find Mildred’s in the dusky shadows of the forrest they’re in - it’s as if she’s seeing where they are for the first time. “As much as I’d love to stay like this all night, I’m afraid I’ll need my hand back.” Mildred blushes, as if she didn’t just do what she did. “I’m sorry, yes.” Gwen shifts to allow Mildred to ease her hand back up and out, and quickly retrieves her handkerchief from her pocket and begins to wipe it off for her. “Are you feeling better?” Mildred asks, gently brushing back a loosened lock of Gwen’s hair.  
“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Gwen sidesteps the question, finishing with Mildred’s hand before kissing it softly. She tries not to blush at the scent still lingering.  
“You didn’t. You also didn’t answer my question.”  
“Mildred, I don’t-I…” She pauses, “I’m not afraid of dying, not really.”  
“Then what is it?”  
“I’m afraid of losing you. I don’t want you to see me as anything other than I am now. I don’t want your memories of me to be anything less this.”  
“Gwen, I’m a nurse.” She ignores the smirk, “I’ve seen death,” She ignores that one too. “I’ve seen illness. I’m not leaving.”  
“I don’t want you to stay-” Mildred’s heart drops, “Because you have to.”  
“When do I ever do something I don’t want to Gwen?” Mildred asks softly, placing a soft kiss on the other woman’s forehead. “I’ve already reached out to some doctors, and in the meantime, we’ll start chemotherapy, and I’ll take some time off from the hospital.”  
“No, no, I don’t want to disrupt your life - ”  
“Any more than you already have? Gwen, meeting you has done nothing but disrupt my life and my plans and I assure you, I am incredibly thankful for that, do you understand? We’re doing this together.” She twines their fingers, “All of it, together.”  
“What did I ever do to deserve you, Mildred Ratched?”  
“I don’t know,” She looks away, unaccustomed and slightly uncomfortable to hearing those words with such tenderness, such softness.  
“Hey now,” Gwen nudges her chin to turn her head back to her, “We’re doing this together, aren’t we?” She asks. A passing car’s headlights light them up for a brief moment, and Gwen can see the other woman’s eyes shining with tears. “Now then,” She begins, her hand snaking past Mildred’s face and landing on her shoulder, her fingers finding _just_ the right spot on Mildred’s neck that makes her shudder. “What is it they say about turnabout?”  
“I ah,” She shivers slightly, “Couldn’t say.”  
“Do you want me to stop?” Gwen asks, lifting her fingers up for a moment to give the other woman room to breathe, to think.  
“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know if I’m quite _there_ yet.” She confesses. “As much as I want to be the type of woman who is, who can in a car, I’m just not sure.”  
“That’s perfectly fine, my darling girl.” Gwen slides her hand down the other woman’s arm and takes her hand.  
“Is it?”  
“Absolutely.”  
“Then can you kiss me?”  
“Gladly.” Gwen leans in and kisses the other woman with as much passion she has, soothing her insecurities with gentleness, with kindness, with desire. “Better?” She asks, when they finally break their kiss, leaning their foreheads together.  
“Much. It’s not that I don’t-”  
“You will never have to explain what you do or don’t feel comfortable doing. It’s enough being here with you. Weeks ago, I didn’t even think I’d ever share a car ride with you again, let alone a kiss.”  
“We shared a lot more than a kiss a moment ago,” She smiles, trying to lighten the mood. She turns the key in the ignition, and begins to pull out of their secluded spot back onto the road. “What do you say to dinner?”  


* * *

  
She checks her likeness in the washroom mirror one more time, where she glows pink in the night and in the reflection of the tiles. Between their stopover in the woods, and then dinner in Monterey, they arrived home (home!) far later than they originally planned. She’ll be tired tomorrow, and Gwen needs all the sleep she can get, but her body has been humming for hours, since they were parked, since she made Gwen … She blushes, unable to even finish that though. Still, ever since then, since before even, she’s felt as if her body had been vibrating with need. 

Need.

What an odd thing, to need someone. To need Gwen. But she did. Not just her love, but her body. Now that she’s discovering this side of herself, she both terrified and excited to see how far the depths of her desire can go. She has found herself wanting, and doing and saying things she couldn’t fathom months or weeks ago, even days ago. The thoughts that made her blush when they first kissed are now the very things she craves, the things she asks for. Hugs, for instance. Or playing with her hair. Kisses. These are things she hadn’t known she could want, that she could ask for, that she was worthy of. 

She realises she’s been staring at herself, and she blinks herself out of the trance she was in. Lately she finds she looks at herself as she imagines Gwen does, she tries to see what her lover sees, but has a difficult time of it. She runs her hand through her hair once more, laying it down in it’s long brown waves down upon her shoulders, just over the white lace straps of her new purchase which hangs just so off her shoulders. It’s cut indecently low, and is so diaphanous it’s as if she’s wearing nothing more than the idea of a slip. 

Diaphanous - she loves that word. 

She still remembers learning how to spell it in school, writing it out repeatedly in her workbook in her curling, childish cursive. Back when she thought her life as an adult would be rife with opportunities to use it, when she would drink lots of champagne and have affairs and heartbreaking loves. Well, it may have taken some time, but young Mildred’s idea of her adult life wasn’t too far off since she met Gwen. Her heart skips at the thought of Gwen. Gwen who was just on the other side of that door. Gwen who she couldn’t have even imagined as a child, but now she cannot imagine life without. Gwen, whom she loves so much and so fully that she cannot help but make excuses just to think of her name.

Gwen.

Finally ready, she takes a breath and opens the bathroom door and enters their bedroom (the idea never fails to move her - _their_ bedroom). She watches Gwen sitting up in bed in her blue striped night set, already reading one of the books purchased earlier today, “I thought you were saving those for when you had nothing else to do?” Mildred asks, softly, standing on the other side of the room, waiting for the other woman to look up. She chose this spot specifically because she knew the wind would blow in through the open window and rustle her hair and her slip just so. “I’m not reading, I’m just…” Gwen’s thought dies out as she raises her head. Her mouth goes dry. “Do you like it?” Mildred asks, giving a slow spin. She amazes herself with her behaviour.  
“Darling girl,” Gwen begins when she can regain the ability to speak, “Was this your errand?”  
“I did also pick up pantyhose, I promised you no more lies after all.” Mildred crosses the room, past the bed, to the vanity where Gwen had made room for some of her belongings. “I wanted to do something special,” She explains, before dabbing some perfume behind her ears. She watches Gwen stare at her in the reflection of the vanity mirror and she can feel her attraction from across the room. “Something special, I’ll say,” Gwen responds.  
“You don’t like it?” Mildred asks, confused.  
“Far from it. I love it. Almost as much as I love you…and that little thing you’re doing.”  
“What thing?” She turns to face Gwen.  
“With the tip of your tongue that you do when you’re excited.”  
“Or happy.”  
“Or happy.” Gwen corrects herself, adding it into her mental files on one Mildred Eleanor Ratched. “What’s the occasion?”  
“Do I need one?” Mildred asks, making her way back to the other woman. “I told the clerk it was for my honeymoon,” She admits, sitting on the edge of the bed by the other woman.  
“Oh,” Gwen swallows the lump in her throat that feels like pain. “I would marry you tonight if I could, Mildred.” She finally chokes out, blinking away the moisture in her eyes that suspiciously felt like tears.  
“Are you sure you like it?” Mildred asks, her smile stretching wider, running a palm down her thigh to smooth out an invisible wrinkle. She ignores the ache at the thought. The idea of marriage is a terrifying one for Mildred, it always has been. She’s never seen a good marriage, she’s never understood her colleagues and coworkers who actively seek it out. It seems a cruel and harsh idea to be bound and chained to a single person for the rest of your earthly days, nightmarish even. And now…what she wouldn’t give to be tied to this woman. “I do.” Gwen answers, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone more beautiful.”  
“Not even Bette Davis in Now, Voyager?”  
“I knew telling you that would come back to haunt me,” She laughs, running a hand down the side of the other woman’s jaw, “But no, not even Bette Davis in Now, Voyager can hold a candle to you, Mildred. Tonight, and every night.” She leans over to place a kiss on the other woman’s lips, soft and sweet. There’s a spark, a charge in the air as they connect. Tonight feels different, for some reason. Gwen’s touch lacks the urgency they had in the past, the desperation, the need and fear that would drive her to do touch, kiss, mark every inch she could reach for fear of the other woman changing her mind. No, tonight it felt steady and sure, confidant in that Mildred would still be there the next morning, and the morning after that, and the morning after that. It’s that confidence that settles Mildred’s mind and sets her heart racing. She moves up onto her knees, gathering the sheer fabric in her arms, and moves to straddle the other woman who is still seated in bed. “God,” She hears Gwen whisper. Suddenly she’s thankful that the lights are on, that she can see the other woman’s mouth hanging open, her eyes darkening and heavy lidded with desire. “Is this alright?”  
“Oh my darling girl, it’s more than alright.” She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a breath.  
“Show me, Gwen.” Mildred says, wrapping her arms around the woman’s shoulders, tangling her hands in her ginger hair. “Show me what you wanted to do in the car?”  
“Oh, I don’t think I can. I want to savour you tonight,” Gwen says, her hands running up and down Mildred’s sides.  
“Savour me after,” Mildred softly begs. “Please.” It’s the please that undoes what little restraint Gwen has holding her together. How many nights had she dreamt of this exact moment? How many cold showers had she taken, where her fingers begrudged the fact that they were working on herself, and not Mildred. And now, here was Mildred, wrapped in a slip, looking like a dream and smelling of heaven, sitting on her lap, pleading for her. She is only human after all, so her hands swiftly pull the the other woman forward by the waist, and she begins to kiss her madly, passionately. One arm holds her back, and the other roams wherever it wants. “I wanted you on top of me in the car, just like this,” She begins, quickly raising her hand to her mouth and Mildred watches, mesmerised, as she pops her two fingers in and out quickly, pulling them out when they’re wet. She shouldn’t find it so arousing, but she does - Gwen could be brushing her teeth and she’d find herself getting warm. Her heart picks up speed as Gwen coaxes her up slightly. She watches Gwen as Gwen’s hand finds its way within her, both of them holding their breath for a moment. “Is this ok?” She asks, but Mildred can only shake her head yes before she begins to release her breath and rock against the other woman’s hand. Mildred wraps her limbs around her lover, pressing herself as tightly as she can against her. “Try this,” Gwen gently guides, using her buried hand to move the other woman’s hips up and down. “Oh.” Mildred’s voice hitches, eyes widen, “Oh.” She continues. She moves her body up and down, but rests her head on the woman’s shoulders. She should feel shame, bucking against another woman’s hands like, but she doesn’t. She just feels…powerful. “More.” She demands, her voice choking itself out. “More.”  
“Anything for you.” Another finger is added, and as Mildred’s movements become more erratic. Gwen wraps her hair around her free hand and tugs her head back, “Let me see you.” She says, watching this vision rising and lowering herself upon her hand, her head back, her neck exposed, the fair skin becoming flushed and red. One strap falls off her shoulder, leaving her exposed and Gwen knows that even if she were to live to a hundred, she’d never see something so beautiful. So she confesses that Mildred, or so she thinks she does, she’s not sure if her words make sense anymore, or if they’re getting through to Mildred. In this moment, they’re both lost in each other, there is is no world outside of this bed, outside of each other. “Please,” Gwen can hear Mildred whisper to herself, over and over again, begging her lover for release, squeezing her eyes shut, “Pleasepleaseplease.”  
“You’re so close, so close my darling girl. Just let go for me. Can you let go for me?”  
“Please.” She repeats, “Talk to me.”  
“No one will ever touch you again like this, do you understand?” Gwen doesn’t know where that comes from, but her voice becomes low and harsh and ragged, like broken glass on gravel. “You are mine.” She continues, her hand moving harder, moving faster with Mildred’s body, “Do you know that? You’re mine, Mildred Ratched, and no one will ever, ever-” She’s cut off by Mildred’s rough and uneven gasps. Her eyes and her mouth snap open, but Gwen is doubtful she sees anything as she continues to shudder and tremble. 

Gwen watches her come down from her high and return to the moment with awe - it begins with her breathing slowing back down and then progresses to her body shifting to allow for Gwen to retrieve her hand, her head to hold itself upright, and ending with her eyes opening slowly, her head dipping down to hide her shy smile. Gwen’s heart feels as if it could break, it’s straining so hard against her ribcage - this is what Mildred does to her, for her. She had heard about loves like this, this all encompassing, all consuming type of love, but she assumed they were works of fiction, only existing in books and movies, a love meant for others, not her. But here she is, besotted with this woman, who could literally do no wrong. It’s not just that she loves Mildred, because she does (and she wonders why and how no one else has seen this woman for the magnificent creature that she is), but that with just the right combination of words, a look, a word, she can reduce this incredible woman into a sodden, shaking mess. “Don’t look at me like that,” Mildred finally speaks, blushing with embarrassment, her hand moving to fix her strap, cover herself up.  
“Like what?” Gwen asks, fully aware she’s beaming, as she finds her hand going to the other woman’s cheek.  
“Like you’re proud of yourself,” Mildred answers, the sharpness of her words being betrayed by the unconscious way she leans into Gwen’s touch. She hates herself for being so soft with this woman, but loves the tenderness, the pleasure, the joy the other woman brings to her, that the other woman _delights_ in bringing to her. “Oh, but I am proud of myself. You were stunning and to know I had a hand in that, well…”  
“A hand in that?” Mildred blushes and groans, letting herself fall onto the other woman’s shoulder and bury a yawn in her neck. “That’s terrible.”  
“You weren’t complaining earlier my love…” Gwen reaches a hand and unmakes Mildred’s side of the bed before gently laying her down.  
“Noooo.” She tries to argue, too sleepy, too spent to have much conviction.  
“No, you’re not tired?”  
“I just want to do _something_ for you.”  
“Oh, you have no idea what you did for me just now…”  
“I didn’t do anything, I just-”  
“You did everything.” Gwen places a soft kiss on her back and brings the blanket up around the other woman’s shoulders. “You are an incredible woman Mildred, and I love you.”  
“You have to,” Mildred begins, eyes heavy and closing, her whole being losing the fight against staying awake, “I’m yours.”  
“You are,” Gwen confirms, “And I will never let anything bad happen to you, my darling girl.” 

But it’s too late, Mildred is lost to sleep. 

Gwen reaches over and turns off the lamp, but knows sleep won’t come, her mind and her body running a mile a minute with adrenaline. She leans back against the headboard and lets her thoughts race with everything she cannot, will not tell Mildred. About how terrified she is of losing her, how unfair life has been to the both of them, to give them this only to take it away, how there’s so much she still wants for them. She wants to give Mildred the whole of the world. She wants to replace every awful memory, every painful thought with three beautiful moments. She wants the world to see the woman as she is beneath the hardened exterior. She wants _Mildred_ to see herself as she sees her. She wants - Mildred stirs beside her, “The lights are out?” She asks, sleepy, confused.  
“I turned them off,”  
“Oh,” She answers, turning over. She shifts again, but can’t seem to get comfortable.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Lie down with me?” Mildred asks, eyes still half closed. “I can’t get comfortable with you like that.” She stretches, her back arching, arms out, unaware and unconscious of her effect on Gwen, whose heart begins to race once more at watching her lover’s body move. “Anything you want,” She gives in, laying herself beside her.  
“I promise, in the morning…” Mildred murmurs, tucking herself in against the other woman. “In the morning…” She repeats once again, before falling back into sleep. Gwen isn’t far behind, her body and mind slowing down, matching Mildred’s breath, Mildred’s state of contentment. 

All her worries will be there in morning… her thoughts begin to break up. In the morning.

Mildred will still be there.

In the morning.


End file.
